Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timeline: The Myth of "Moving On"

Grief is one of the most profound experiences of the human condition. It touches everyone at some point, yet it remains deeply misunderstood. One of the most persistent myths about grief is that it operates on a timeline—a predictable path with a clear beginning, middle, and end. This belief often leads to the notion that people need to "move on" from their loss within a socially acceptable timeframe. In reality, grief is a deeply personal and non-linear journey, and the idea of "moving on" can be both unhelpful and harmful to those navigating their loss.

Grief is often misunderstood because it is intensely individual. Each person’s experience is shaped by their unique relationship with what or whom they have lost, their coping mechanisms, and the support systems around them. The cultural narrative that there is a "right" way to grieve adds unnecessary pressure and guilt. People may feel they are “failing” at grief if they don’t conform to societal expectations, whether it’s by crying enough, appearing strong, or finding closure within a certain timeframe.

One pervasive model that has contributed to misunderstandings about grief is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While groundbreaking in its time, this model has often been misinterpreted as a rigid framework, suggesting that everyone experiences grief in the same sequence and reaches an endpoint. In reality, people may skip stages, revisit them, or feel a mix of emotions all at once. Grief is messy and unpredictable, often defying any attempt to categorize it neatly.

The pressure to “move on” often comes from well-meaning friends, family, or society at large. Statements like, “It’s time to let go,” or “They wouldn’t want you to be sad,” can unintentionally invalidate someone’s feelings. While such comments are often intended to comfort, they can make the grieving person feel isolated or judged for their inability to meet these expectations. The idea of moving on implies leaving something or someone behind, which can feel like a betrayal of the bond shared with the deceased or the significance of the loss.

Grief, instead, is more accurately described as a process of adaptation. The loss doesn’t diminish or disappear; rather, people learn to live alongside it. Memories of a loved one, for example, can evolve from sources of acute pain to sources of comfort, but this transformation happens at its own pace and in its own way. The process of grieving is not about erasing the past but integrating it into a new reality.

One common misconception is that grief lessens in a straight line over time. While the intensity of grief may ebb and flow, it often resurfaces unexpectedly, even years later. A song, a scent, a holiday, or even an ordinary day can trigger a wave of emotion. These moments are not setbacks but a natural part of carrying grief. Accepting this unpredictability can help individuals navigate their emotions without judgment or fear of regression.

Society often struggles to accommodate prolonged or complex grief. There is an unspoken timeline for grief that governs workplace policies, social interactions, and even personal expectations. Bereavement leave, for example, is often just a few days, which may barely scratch the surface of what someone needs to begin processing their loss. Friends and family may expect someone to return to "normal" after a few months, not realizing that grief fundamentally reshapes a person’s reality. This lack of understanding can lead to isolation, as grieving individuals may feel pressured to mask their pain to meet societal expectations.

When we talk about grief, it’s also essential to acknowledge that it isn’t limited to the loss of a loved one. Grief can arise from many forms of loss, including the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a health diagnosis, or even a major life transition. Each type of grief is valid and deserves to be honored. Just as with the loss of a loved one, there is no "right" timeline for processing these other kinds of losses.

A helpful way to reframe the idea of "moving on" is to think instead about "moving forward." Moving forward doesn’t mean leaving the grief or the memory of the loss behind. Instead, it’s about finding ways to carry the loss with you while still engaging with life. Moving forward acknowledges that the loss has become a part of you, but it doesn’t define your entire existence. This perspective allows space for growth, joy, and new experiences without diminishing the significance of the loss.

One important aspect of moving forward is finding ways to honor the loss. For some, this might mean creating a ritual or tradition, such as lighting a candle on significant dates, planting a tree in memory of a loved one, or participating in activities that were meaningful to the person they lost. Others might find solace in journaling, creating art, or volunteering for causes related to their loss. These acts can provide a sense of connection and purpose, helping to integrate the loss into one’s life.

Support systems play a crucial role in the grieving process. Friends and family can offer invaluable comfort, but it’s important for them to approach grief with patience and understanding. Simply being present and listening without judgment can make a significant difference. Professional support, such as therapy or support groups, can also provide tools and validation for navigating grief. These spaces allow individuals to share their experiences with others who understand, fostering a sense of community and reducing feelings of isolation.

Children, too, experience grief, but their understanding and expression of it can differ significantly from adults. It’s important to provide them with age-appropriate explanations and support. Encouraging open communication and allowing them to express their feelings, whether through words, art, or play, helps them process their emotions. Children may revisit their grief as they grow and develop new understandings of the loss, requiring ongoing support and reassurance.

Cultural and spiritual beliefs often shape how people experience and express grief. Rituals and traditions can provide comfort and structure, offering a sense of continuity and meaning. However, it’s essential to recognize that grief is not one-size-fits-all, even within the same cultural or spiritual framework. Each person’s journey is unique, and comparing one’s grief to others’ experiences can lead to unnecessary guilt or self-doubt.

For those supporting someone in grief, understanding what not to say is just as important as knowing what to say. Avoiding clichés like, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “They’re in a better place,” can prevent further pain. Instead, offer empathy and presence. Simple statements like, “I’m here for you,” or, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you,” validate the person’s feelings without imposing expectations or judgments.

For those grieving, self-compassion is vital. Grief can be exhausting, both emotionally and physically, so it’s important to prioritize self-care. This might mean getting enough rest, nourishing your body, and allowing yourself moments of joy without guilt. Recognizing that it’s okay to have good days and bad days can help alleviate the pressure to "perform" grief in a particular way.

Grief also has the power to transform. While it is never something one would wish for, it often brings clarity about what truly matters in life. Many people find that their experiences with grief deepen their empathy and strengthen their relationships. Some discover new passions or callings as a result of their loss, channeling their pain into purpose. These transformations don’t erase the grief but coexist with it, creating a tapestry of resilience and growth.

Ultimately, the myth of "moving on" fails to capture the depth and complexity of grief. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, nor does it follow a prescribed set of rules. It is a deeply personal journey that evolves over time, influenced by the individual’s unique circumstances, relationships, and inner resources. By rejecting the pressure to "move on," we allow ourselves and others the space to grieve authentically, honor our losses, and find a path forward that feels true to our experiences.

In embracing this perspective, we can foster a more compassionate understanding of grief. We can create a culture that values emotional honesty over conformity, that prioritizes connection over closure, and that recognizes grief as an integral part of the human experience. And in doing so, we honor not only our losses but also our capacity for love, resilience, and healing.